Here's A Speech!
I'm talking about autonomy, humanness, nourishment, ego, trauma here for 31 minutes. I hope it helps. I love you! (Transcription below babies! Subscribe on the home page to get these emailed to you ☺️)
PS: I say DAVOS (lmao) instead of DARVO (woops!) standing for: Deny, Attack and Reverse Victim Offender.
Israelis are just jealous of Palestinians. They are so fucking jealous to the point of genocidal anger because like otherwise, why would you want their land so bad? You just see them on their land enjoying life and you're like “Augh! What a bitch!” you know? It's like, did you know that people that have, like, such a loud outer critic, where they're just like, horrible and criticizing everyone else? That kind of person also does not know how to take accountability, which is kind of like a fun coincidence. Um, but anyways that person with a really loud outer critic has, as well an inner critic that is hating on them continuously. But because their egos are so big and in the way, that they suppress that. And then they just direct all that self hate into their outer critic! Again criticizing and hating on everyone but them because the ego, the superego is like “I'm not - bitch,” you know like, it's almost like they're acting in response to their self hatred. They're like, so egotistical and narcissistic that would - they hear this inner critic that, you know, has been built into their brains from their shitty abusive parents, you know because like people don't just come out the womb like this, you know? This is taught. This is traumatized into you. And like, violent people breed violent people. Abuse breeds abuse. Sadly.
And because their egos [are] so big and they hear this inner voice talking shit on them just the way that their mom or dad did, or their siblings or someone in their caretaking world. Um, or you know, the things that they told themselves while being neglected because when you’re left alone all the time, you’re like, well I’m just a kid and no one wants to hang out with me or play with me or look me in the eye and tell me they love me. And like, you know, making me feel precious and light and joyous, as a child should! So there must be something wrong with me, because no one's acting this way around me that would make me feel good, so I'm going to hate myself and tell myself all these horrible things about myself so that my reality makes sense. And then we grow into adults! With that all stuck in our brain, and we don’t even know it. We are clueless to it because the brain is insane and very very good at suppressing painful, traumatic, suffering type memories because not only are you normally like, as a child being abused, but that's like one thing on it's own, but also on top of that there's this added pain of like, not having anyone to support you through that abuse and that suffering. Not one person to talk to, not one person that is like “hey was what's going on, like, let's be friends and I'll earn your trust and then eventually you can share with me what's been going on in your life and I'll protect you and I'll keep you safe.” Everyone deserves a person like that in their lives. Everyone.
Because the hard truth is, is that we don't trust each other. None of us really trust each other. We aren’t really taught how to trust each other and we often are taught that others can cause great harm around us and we must be vigilant of that, we must ask, we must act on guard and on pre defence to not have to suffer like that again. And I'll make my ego so big and I'll make myself feel so big that all that rejection and suffering and neglect and pain, bitch, like, they're trying to beat it like it's a boss. They're like “I'm going to be bigger than that voice and that situation,” that is trauma, “I'm going to outdo it, I'm going to like, I'm going to earn so much money, I'm going to be so beautiful, I'm going to be so cool.” But, none of that stuff will matter. “I'll become so successful and so loved and like, get all the things that I want in life, no matter what even if it includes immoral things because my determination to get myself bigger than my trauma is profound.” And that's why we see people like Donald Trump, Elon Musk, even cowards like Justin Trudeau. You know, too scared to stand up to the oppressors, too scared to speak the truth. Too scared to protect human lives.
(Big Sigh). Okay, I am so sorry that my um, hepa filter was on. I'm straightening my hair as I'm talking and I don't like all the smoke that comes from it, obviously there’s burning involved, I’m burning my hair a little bit, you know, um, so I decided to pop my hepa filter on by, by this situation, so I'm so sorry if that noise drove you absolutely insane.
Anyways. I want to talk more again about jealousy and the jealousy involved in those superegos, in the super narcissist, those really angry people that are doing anything and everything to outgrow and get so far away from the person they were when they were experiencing that trauma. They want to shed all of that so much and become a brand new person that has this, this, this, that, that, that. And they think that's what's going to keep them healed and like, safe and protected. They're like “oh I'm not that person anymore so I can't be abused anymore. I can't be suffering anymore. I can't be hurt anymore,” you know, I’m far away from the people that did this like I’m so far beyond them that they wouldn’t even recognize me anymore, you know, like “they thought they had the control over me, well look at me now. Like I am this bad bitch.” When in reality, this, the pain and suffering lives within you. And what lives within your body and lives within your brain cells all these memories and feelings. Feelings that were never really processed and tended to. You know? Like, I think, every feeling, every feeling that like, comes up does not need to be tended to but there are bigger feelings that need to be tended to. That never got tended to.
So it becomes this, like, rotted, dusty garden that doesn't get to grow and thrive. Because it's never tended to. Because no one's nurturing the soil. No one's nurturing it with the sunlight. Joy! Protection, from, from the wind and from the bugs and from the animals. Just putting it out to fend for itself with no resources. With absolutely no resources to fend for itself. You planted the vegetables - now I'm talking to parents - you planted the vegetables and they grew and you refused to tend to those vegetables. And then when they came out dusty and dry and moldy and just, deeply unhappy vegetables, (laughs) you shamed them. You made them feel worse for looking like that. For being like that, for acting like that. Because that's how you molded them by doing nothing. That's what happens when you don't participate in nurturing living things. Because we need each other. If you're planting a seed indoors and you're not giving it the rain that this plant so desperately needs, that it would get in the kind of beautiful synchronous relationship with the land. Where it gives and takes and gives and takes in this beautiful synchronous cycle. This huge web that we get to exist within but no, we stay inside our four walls with a roof over our head and we are in control of the nurturing now. The land doesn't do it. You're not - the land isn't providing it really, you're renting a space, you're living in this space and now it's up to you to nurture the space and everything within it. That's your land now, right?
I don't know where this stuff is coming from but it is, it's coming out. Feels good to talk about. Feels really good to talk about. So these people, if we’re gonna keep using the rotted vegetable theory - they have to go out in life now, being told how disgusting and horrible and what a piece of shit they are. Despite (laughs) - it's like - yeah! No wonder! Look at the Garden! Look at the gardeners! And the gardeners are like “what the fuck? Why did these vegetables come out so fucking disgusting and disappoint me, and they don't look how I want them to look. They're not acting and tasting how I want them to do because I own them and I control them.” No no no no no no no no. You don't own living things. Just the way that no one owns you, right? Imagine someone owning you. That would piss you up right because no we're meant to have autooonnommyyy. (Sing songy) Autonomyyy, repeat after mee, autonomyyy! There's no me - no - there is me in autonomyyyyy, you got to remember the meeee (laughing) in autonomyyyy (Singsongy ended). Okay hopefully that's pounded into your head now.
Every living thing deserves autonomy but also every living thing deserves to be nurtured. We need nurturance to survive and to thrive, right, not just survive like this like, sad little carrot that came out from the ground. It's, yeah it’s there, it sure is edible but it’s (sighs), that is a deeply sad carrot. Because no one nurtured it. No one gave it the love and the care daily. To come out and not only just survive and be edible but to be an amazing carrot! The most gorgeous, orange, moist, yummiest and crunchiest carrot in the world, you know? And that comes from good nourishment, good love. Which is what we’re meant to get from our parents. (Sighs) And the sad thing is that the gardeners, they used to be the vegetables! They were those vegetables (laughing) in the past. And their gardeners convinced them so hard of their terribleness. Of their innate badness. Of how shame worthy so many of their actions and decisions were. When in fact they were human decisions and behaviors.
They were perfectly human reactions to situations, you know? There's a lot of people in trauma growing up in childhood that - this is what my psychotherapist taught me: you're acting - you're having completely natural, normal responses to dysfunction and chaos and suffering and loneliness. That's what's happening. And they make you feel fucking crazy for it. They make you feel like you're the villain for reacting to their abuse. And we see this time and time again with abuse. DAVOS. Google DAVOS if you don’t know it. D-A-V-O-S. Defend, deny, villainize, I don’t know if it that’s, I don’t remember all the acronyms or if that’s even correct (Again, I meant DARVO here, sorry!) but there’s a villainizing part of it and we Israel do it constantly. That is abuse on a large scale and thats what we’ve been witnessing with genocide, we are witnessing abuse on an enormous worldwide scale. Because not only is it in Palestine, we are seeing protestors everywhere and people that are, you know, emboldened to finally get the rights they deserve in this world. (Sigh) To just live in peace and be able to have access to nourishment and joy and love like every fucking human being deserves.
All over the world protestors for Palestinians, the university protests, so many countries, almost all the countries that participated had state police wearing helmets, faceless people. Just numbers to the system, right? To the state. You know, the dogs up there that are barking and saying “I want my own way and I want more money and these people just need to fucking get over it. And I don’t care if they’re suffering because I deserve more money and I deserve to keep growing in success because I need to because I need to escape this inner feeling of me being an actual monster when I can’t be a monster because I was treated like shit. You know? I can’t be, I can’t be the villain when *I* was treated like shit. When *I* experienced abuse. There’s no way that I can, you know, look at my behaviour and think that it isn’t justified because of the way I was treated growing up.”
But that’s bullshit. That is misogyny. That is colonial thinking. That is oppressive thinking. It’s not how we are building, it’s not how to build a relationship with your own feelings in your own body. When you treat them like that. (Sigh) So these abusers who used to be abused, they only know how to connect with their own humanity. And despite how their abuse is playing out, they will be able to create narratives in their head that proves that they were pushed this way, that they were triggered, so they acted this way because A, B and C, this person was doing A, B and C and they triggered me. And they may not even think of it as like, a trigger, it’s like, “oh they disrespected me. They called me this name or you know like, um, they got angry with me because I was out with my friends too late and that’s fucking stupid and I can do whatever I want.” Um, instead of like, actually listening to this person’s feelings, I’m actually going to turn it around and it's like, “oh you’re trying to take my autonomy away. Just like those fuckers did, [when I w]as a child. So, now I'm triggered and I’m in this angry space and I’m pissed. Because how dare you? How dare you make me feel like I’m the bad guy when I am actually the victim?” Right?
They don’t know how to see a world in which they are the problem. And that it’s - you have to be able to connect to that to be able to take accountability. And they would have to do a lot of, um, they would have to face a lot of uncomfortable truths about themselves, like the trauma actually living inside them still. Like they haven’t escaped it through success and through money and um, through material goods and like, relationships, certain relationships that they feel make them feel like, better about themselves? Feeding that ego. (Sigh) Forget where I was going with that. Kinda lost of my train of thought. Um. Just kind of picturing some stuff in my head. Seeing some, I - I wonder if anyone can kind of get like, the kind of situations, how this can go from a very small scale to very highly public and just in plain sight. In plain sight.
We watch videos and videos and videos and see, see nothing but evidence, right? Like, evidence is this thing that protects us from abuse but when the abusers - when they flip the story of these - of this evidence - play - like changing the narrative of this evidence? Skewing it? Making it less believable? Causing doubt? Creating a seed of doubt so that people do not empathize with those being oppressed. Even though they are showing them fucking evidence. PROOF of this oppression! PROOF of their violence as an abuser! PROOF even further so in the situation of their gaslighting! Telling you “that’s not what happened”. It is what fucking happened. And abusers don’t want people telling the truth! They will do anything in their power to keep people from knowing the truth of the kind of person they actually are and the kind of actions that they have been comfortable making for - phew - any amount of time. Decades, even.
Yeah. Alright, I’m gonna leave that there. I feel like I’ve exhausted these thoughts and there’s so much to simmer on it. But that’s me reflecting on abuse and um, the way that we, the way we need to start noticing it in small situations. Say, interactions with like, a toddler and a grown man. Or a, you know, a teenager and a grown mother. There needs to be reciprocal respect. There needs to be reciprocal respect and reciprocal respect for each other’s autonomy. And there needs to be reciprocal nurturance, because we can’t nurture ourselves on our own. That’s impossible. Imagine having everything you need in the world, like, um, to take care of yourself. (sighs, laughs) I mean I’m trying to think of like, but even the garden, even if you have a garden, that’s still relying on other living things, right? Um, making vegetables and plant life, that’s, you’ll have to nurture them. But say you have nothing to nurture. And no one to nurture you. And that was your life. Someone said “that’s your life for the next fifty years.” Fifty years. 10 years 5 times. (Laughs) 10 years 5 times. You wouldn’t be able to do it. You would likely go mad because we need to be able as humans, to nurture others and receive nurturance.
And nurturance is just another way of saying love that keeps you here and thriving. It is - the product of nurturance is something that keeps you alive and thriving. And the amount of nurturance will affect that living thing. How little or how much it gets will affect how it turns out. So, we have a responsibility to each other, to nurture each other. That is our, we are responsible for us. Okay? All the power goes out. All the food is gone. Nuclear waste. We’re fucked, you know? But there is a way. And it’s with each other, right? All the power’s out. There’s no system anymore. We’re just - fend for ourselves. Wouldn’t you wanna join up with other people that are like, fucking, nice and cool and want to help you while you help them? Like say they, they uh, they cut their arm, on the back of their arm. It’s a really deep cut and they need someone to help sew it up. They need you! And eventually you’re gonna need them. So we need each other. So we need to focus on nurturing each other. It’s so important.
And it’s not to say we can’t ever nurture ourselves. That’s not, that, that is a huge lie, to feel like we can’t nurture our - and it’s - it’s not in an individualistic way. I thought I was done, I wasn’t. It’s not in an individualistic way, it’s, it’s recognizing that you are also a living thing on top of all the other living things around you. And that you also deserve to be nurtured. So when no one else is around, but there’s food, you know how to nurture yourself, you know how to get the food. You know how to brush your teeth. You know how to show up for yourself in a way that, um, makes plans with friends, um, prioritizes certain people, certain plans, certain events. That’s nourishing yourself. Getting, getting a thrifted new outfit that makes you feel so beautiful and *you*. That’s nourishment. You know, but we can’t always rely on ourselves. There’s the interaction, you know, while you’re at the thrift store with other people around, there’s the shop person, and you’re riffing. And when you go to the forest and you interact with a little squirrel and you’re like “hello!” and they’re like “tk tk tk” and it’s just this sweet little interaction of connection that you know, makes you feel a little joy inside and that is nurturance! That is love from that squirrel! And the world! It’s just always trying to give you love. And people that aren’t able to face their trauma yet - sigh - they see that love as um, something that they can’t trust.
Again. I’m going back, I’m - I mentioned earlier that we don’t trust each other. Um, so when we can’t trust that people’s intentions are good, and that people are actually - can be kind and generous and sweet - there are plenty of people out there. Millions of people out there actually. That just want to be your friend and like, no matter if you make a mistake, um, they’ll, they just want to talk through it. And it’s actually a - you know, if they didn’t want to be your friend, right, they could just drop you. If you did something bad. But there are so many friends out there that would rather just tell you because they want to still be your friend. So if they tell you, they’ll feel better and you get to have a chance to engage with this friend and repair. And that’s not something we were taught as kids. How to repair after harm caused, even, intentionally or not. And when you’re a child there’s rarely a piece of maliciousness in it, it’s usually coming from a place of communication. You know, children’s behaviour really communicates something that a lot of parents don’t listen to. When there, you know, crying and screaming, when their emotions are loud, that’s telling you something. That’s showing you that they’re feeling so frustrated at their lack of autonomy. At the lack of feeling heard and seen and connected with. They’re looking for someone to look them in the eyes and adore them and then spend time playing with them because they are important and they deserve that time and energy to go into their joy. In their daily lives. Because we all deserve that.
Alright. I did not expect to talk for almost 31 minutes. Okay, I’m going to end it there. *kiss noises x 3*. Bye!
