Oops

I have so much I want to write and talk about and the sense of overwhelm often results in a freeze response where i avoid avoid avoid (and feel inwardly: shame shame shame). But I am healing and growing and I refuse to keep shaming myself for avoiding the things I love to do. I grapple with this inner core feeling that I'm extremely unimportant while also sharing (almost) everything to the internet at large - and as I type this I realize that I'm also connecting my sharing to this toxic belief that it somehow makes me look self-obsessed. Ah! That is not the compassionate inner voice I have, it's an intruders. It's an accomplishment in itself to recognize that that voice does nothing but stunt me and she can, quite honestly, shut the fuck up 😊

Anyways! Here's me at age 16. I had a lot of stuff in my room that I didn't want to throw out. My room was my one true space of autonomy, therefore mine to be messy. One time my Mom had reached a boiling point and started throwing things out at random while I sobbed in the living room. Virgo Mom.

I loved the word 'endoplasmic reticulum' therefore the cell poster. I loved Audrey Hepburn. I watched a lot of her movies as a teenager and although they weren't always the greatest, the act of watching them made me feel special, like I was tapped into something more real than what my peers were consuming. On the shelf is a drawing of her I did. On the wall, a gift. The same friend gifted me her biography by Hepburn's son and it had so many beautiful photos of her and her husband(s) - looking at the photos again, I realize what a huge inspiration for my portrait work they are! These photos in particular have always stuck with me:

I think I avoid really sticking to something like this - a new project - because it feels like I "have" to approach it in a certain way. I should plan ahead. I should carefully plan, organize, think, write, re-write, edit, write.

But that just makes me avoid avoid avoid. So I'm going to push myself to show up for myself by letting my voice be heard. I used to share so effortlessly without second-guessing myself or worrying. And I think I need to bring that energy back, yes??

I hope you enjoyed this hodgepodge post. Free Palestine.

Love,
Al